Enlightenment - Chapter X

July 18, 2009

• Way too many obvious typos, and fixed grammar, and cleaned up sentences. There was just one absolutely terrible section that needed to be changed.

• Old

  It feels as if she's made a hundred trips already. Recalling out to all the major magic shops. These shops had work forces to gather and harvest reagents, something no small business could afford. So for everyone else, buying bulk reagents from these suppliers was the way to go.

  New

  It feels as if she's made a hundred trips already. Recalling out to all the major magic shops. These shops had work forces to gather and harvest reagents, something no small business could afford. So for everyone else, buying bulk reagents from these suppliers was the way to go.

  Forgot to delete from my last revision.
• Old

  Of course Melfina didn't have to restock every single month. She didn't get the same traffic as when she was in Luna. But she was fotunate enough to still be remembered from that time. When she did get low, restocking was a day long event. The limiting factor was how much she can could each trip.

  New

  Of course Melfina didn't have to restock every single month. She didn't get the same traffic as when she was in Luna. But she was fotunate enough to still be remembered from that time. When she did get low, restocking was a day long event. The limiting factor was how much she could carry each trip.

  I think I may have deleted the wrong word last revision.
• Old

  With no resolution to her problem, Melfina brushes the dirt off her dress and prepares to continue the process once again.

  Well... time for a hundred more trips.

  She stops mid-spell as her mouth waters at the sight of the water pitcher on the counter.

  As she sips from her glass, she pulls out the book of necromancy and starts flipping through it, with just a quick glance of each page before moving on.

  She stops mid-motion. She found what she was looking for.

  New

  With no resolution to her problem, Melfina brushes the dirt off her dress, ready to continue, after a quick drink, and it was too boring and forgot to delete the tags from my last revision.

  Previous version of the first sentence was too bland and clunky. And the second sentence... ugh. What an ugly transition. That was just terrible!!
• Old

  "Ok, I have a job for you." Melfina says, but the horde minion quickly runs past her. Melfina turns to see it swallowing the hair brush on her night stand.

  New

  "Ok, I have a job for you," Melfina tries to say, but the horde minion quickly runs past her. Melfina turns to see it swallowing the hair brush on her night stand.

  Didn't quite make sense
• Old

  "Don't take this. Ok? No." She repeats the command as she lets go, watching the horde minion for any indication that its stubby little arms are about to pilfer her brush a third time. Its gaze focuses back on her after snapping her fingers a few times.

  New

  "Don't take this. Ok? No." She repeats the command as she lets go, watching the horde minion for any indication that its stubby little arms are about to pilfer her brush a third time. Its gaze focuses back on her after she snaps her fingers a few times.

  Tense.
• Old

  Inside, she opens up the black pearl chest and finds a bag of harpy feathers, to make into quills, and a note.

  New

  Inside, she opens up the black pearl chest and finds a bag of harpy feathers and a note.

  Unnecessarily long.
• Old

  She gives it a suspicious look. "Empty everything!"

  New

  She gives it a suspicious look. "Purge contents!"

  I created the command in my chapter XIII revision. I should use it.