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January 12, 2009
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Finally a chapter that only needed minor tweaks here and there, and a few fixes for missed intent. While
typos are embarassing, it's at least a lot less work to fix it all before I can once again get back to
finishing the volume.
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Old
It feels as if she's made a hundred trips already. Recalling back and forth to all the major magic
shops that have a working system to collecting magical reagents in the wild. That required a
work force that no small business could afford. So for everyone else, buying reagents in bulk
from the suppliers was the way to go.
New
It feels as if she's made a hundred trips already. Recalling out to all the major magic
shops. These shops had work forces to gather and harvest reagents, something no small business
could afford. So for everyone else, buying bulk reagents from these suppliers was the way to go.
The old version just sounded clumsy. Sentences were too long and too wordy, while not saying much.
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Old
The problem is that all the suppliers seem to work off the same schedule and are only open one
weekend a month. Everyone who wants to buy in bulk have to all buy it at the same time. At
each store has limited shelf space. Once the last reagent is purchased, they close up for the hour to
restock the shelves and keep track of inventory. Once they open up again, the buying spree is fast
and merciless.
New
The problem is that all the suppliers seem to work off the same schedule and are only open one
weekend a month. Everyone who wants to buy in bulk, does it at the same time as everyone else.
And each store has limited shelf space. Once the last reagent is purchased, they close up
for the hour to restock the shelves and keep track of inventory. Once they open up again, the buying
spree is fast and merciless.
Grammatical errors.
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Old
Of course Melfina doesn't have to restock every single month. She doesn't sell that many
scrolls and spellbooks. But when she does get low, restocking is a day long event. The
limiting factor is how much she can carry each trip.
New
Of course Melfina didn't have to restock every single month. She didn't get the same traffic as when
she was in Luna. But she was fotunate enough to still be remembered from that time. When she
did get low, restocking was a day long event. The limiting factor was how
much she can could each trip.
Tenses.
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Old
It's not as if I'd even have to train someone. As long as they have two arms, they can do the job
as long as I take them there. If they even know the recall spell themselves, I wouldn't even
have to go along with them, and they could travel back and forth themselves. But how much would
they want to get paid? It can't be worth it.
New
It's not as if I'd even have to train someone. As long as they have two arms, they can do the job
as long as I take them there. And if they know how to recall, I wouldn't even have to
go at all. But how much would they want to get paid? It can't be worth it.
Internal dialogue needed fixing. It was too bland, and unnatural.
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Old
As she sips from her glass, she pulls out the book of necromancy and starts flipping through it. She
sees the pages without really reading them. A word or two or small drawing is all it takes to refresh her
memory of what's on it.
New
As she sips from her glass, she pulls out the book of necromancy and starts flipping through it, with
just a quick glance of each page before moving on.
Too much unnecessary description. Her familiarity with the book should be obvious enough with how quickly
she's going through it.
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Old
Then she stops.
New
She stops mid-motion. She found what she was looking for.
I could have incorporated this idea with the paragraph above. But I wrote it this way to keep an emphasis
on it, since this is supposed to be the reveal for what the creature is, so I kept the same impact. It just
needed to be rewritten because of the changes to the other paragraph.
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Old
Horde Minion. They carry stuff right? It's what they do? That's what this says. It's what I saw.
She pauses, trying to pretend that she's considering the pros and cons with what she's about to
do, but she's already set.
New
Horde Minion. They carry stuff right? It's what they do? That's what this says. It's what I saw.
She pauses, trying to pretend that she's considering the pros and cons, knowing she's already made
up her mind.
That last part was way too clunky. It just sounds so much better this new way.
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Old
She looks over her shoulder, suddenly afraid that Stark is in the room. She wasn't sure if she
was more afraid of his anger or disappointment. He was just so stubborn about some things. A quick look
out her windows shows neither Stark nor his guards nearby at the moment, yet she makes her
way to her bedroom, where she knows the guard captain wouldn't walk in without knocking first.
New
She looks over her shoulder, suddenly afraid to find Stark somehow appear. She wasn't sure if she
was more afraid of his anger or disappointment. He was just so stubborn about some things. A quick look
out her windows shows neither Stark nor his guards, yet she makes her way to her bedroom, where she knows
the guard captain wouldn't walk in without knocking first.
Some small fixes to make it flow better.
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Old
"Don't take this. Ok? No." She repeats the command as she lets go, watching the horde minion
for any indication that its stubby little arms are about to pilfer her brush a third time. Its gaze
focuses back on her only after snapping her fingers a few times.
New
"Don't take this. Ok? No." She repeats the command as she lets go, watching the horde minion
for any indication that its stubby little arms are about to pilfer her brush a third time. Its gaze
focuses back on her after snapping her fingers a few times.
Taking out one word seems to change the sentence a lot. The first version made it seem like she tried
other methods first before snapping her fingers got its attention. That's not what I intended at all,
so I made the fix.
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Old
As she takes the reagents closer to the horde minion, its grin widens, and it extends its arms,
cupping it's hands together.
New
As she takes the reagents closer to the horde minion, its grin widens, and it extends its arms,
cupping its hands together.
Wrong use of "it's". Typo.
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Old
She recalls back to the front of her shop. She makes her way to the second floor and finds Reagent
waiting by the teleport tile. This time she creates a moongate instead of casting recall so the
horde minion can join her.
New
She recalls back to the front of her shop. She makes her way to the second floor and finds Reagent
waiting by the teleport tile. This time she creates a moongate instead of recalling so the
horde minion can follow.
A couple words needed changing cause they were too technical.
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Old
"Reagents," she commands once they make their way back to her storage chests. A giant pile emerges
before her. "Good boy," she says, and that it's all a jumbled mess. "Can you sort these out?"
New
"Reagents," she commands once they make their way back to her storage chests. A giant pile emerges.
Good boy," she says, and sees that it's all a jumbled mess. "Can you sort these
out?"
Left out a word, and took out unecessary ones. It's always a balance of too much or too little.
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Old
A neat pile of black pearl comes out of its mouth. Melfina puts it away and then does so
with the rest of the reagents. When she's finished, she takes a step back and gives a satisfied look
at the storage chests. There was a lot more to do, but it would be finished in a fraction of the time.
New
A neat pile of black pearl comes out of its mouth. Melfina puts it away and then does the same
with the rest of the reagents. When she's finished, she takes a step back and gives a satisfied look at
the storage chests. There was a lot more to do, but it would be finished in a fraction of the time.
That old version didn't seem to make much sense. One word makes a different again.
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Old
The only problem keeping hidden from Stark and his guards.
New
The only problem, keeping hidden from Stark and his guards.
Added a comma.
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Old
Sorry! He can't even wait to say hi!
New
He can't even stay and say hi!
This was supposed to reference Gamblor's note at the end of the chapter. Maybe I changed the note, then
forgot to change this line.
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