Enlightenment - Chapter VIII

July 18, 2009

• Mostly typo fixes, with two small tweaks.

• Old

  Melfina gets up and pushes off against the tree to help her get started, but then remembers the books on the ground. She snatches them up, and let's curiosity and caution take control and she looks over her shoulder.

  New

  Melfina gets up and pushes off against the tree to help her get started, but then remembers the books on the ground. She snatches them up, and let's curiosity take control and she looks over her shoulder.

  Those are contradictory. So delete.
• Old

  paralyzed!

  New

  Paralyzed!

  Capitalization.
• Old

  The noise changes to a soft ripping, as >more and more of her body comes back under her control. Whatever it was doing, it wasn't eating her yet. Ever so slowly, Melfina makes it to her feet. She doesn't bother with her books this time and just wants to run.

  New

  The noise changes to a soft ripping, as more and more of her body comes back under her control. Whatever it was doing, it wasn't eating her yet. Ever so slowly, Melfina makes it to her feet. She doesn't bother with her books this time and just wants to run.

  Typo from my last revision.
• Old

  Its eyes widen and it breaks eye contact with her to scan the ground. Melfina see what caught its attention. The red ribbon attached to Forrester's key is easy to pick out amongst the greens and browns of the forest floor.

  New

  Its eyes widen and it breaks eye contact with her to scan the ground. Melfina sees what caught its attention. The red ribbon attached to Forrester's key is easy to pick out amongst the greens and browns of the forest floor.

  Typo.
• Old

  She shifts her weight and a sharp pain reminds her of her injury. She looks to see a clean slice across her shin bone, and casts heal. I'll have to get this repaired again, she thinks as she fingers the cut fabric.

  New

  She shifts her weight and a sharp pain reminds her of her injury. She looks to see a clean slice across her shin bone, and casts heal. I'll have to get this repaired again, she thinks as she fingers ruined dress.

  Cut fabric was too technical.
• Old

  She speaks the command from the book, "Horde minion, empty all contents."

  New

  She speaks the command from the book, "Horde minion, purge contents."

  I never liked that command. Thank you thesaurus.com.
• Old

  A laugh escapes, taking her tension with it. The laugh builds uncontrolably until she's gasping for breath. She had frightened herself with her own spell and ran directly towards what she thought she was running from, only to cause her paralysis by tripping over the elemental.

  New

  A laugh escapes, taking her tension with it. The laugh builds uncontrolably until she's gasping for breath. She had frightened herself with her own spell and ran directly towards what she thought she was running from, only to trip over the elemental and essentially paralyzed herself.

  Rearranged to make the explanation more clear as to why she was laughing at herself.