Enlightenment - Chapter VIII

January 1, 2009

• The entire was one giant case of telling and not showing. I don't know how I was satisfied with it before. I pretty much rewrote or had to fix the entire chapter.

• Old

  Melfina gets up and pushes off against the tree to help her get started. But then she remembers her books on the ground. She snatches them up, and her curiosity and fear take over and she can't help but turn around.

  New

  Melfina gets up and pushes off against the tree to help her get started, but then remembers the books on the ground. She snatches them up, and let's curiosity and caution take control and she looks over her shoulder.

  Words
• Old

  As tall as her waist, it was covered in blue scales. Sinister eyes locked with hers. It stood on two stubby legs and its hands were attached to two stubby arms and had sharp claws that looked ready to dig deep into her flesh. Its hunched back made it look ready to pounce. Its head flowed straight from that hunch with no apparent neck, and sharp teeth shown from its gaping mouth. It was hungry.

  New

  As tall as her waist, it was covered in blue scales. Sinister eyes locked with hers. It stood on two stubby legs and had sharp claws on its two stubby arms ready to dig deep into her flesh. Its hunched back flowed straight to its head, with no neck whatsoever, making it look ready to pounce. Sharp, pointy teeth reavealed themselves from its gaping mouth. It was hungry.

  Yes, this paragraph is describing the horde minion, but the first version sounded too list-like.
• Old

  She turns her head to look again but then an intense pain flares up in her shin, and she falls. The adrenaline racing through her veins keeps her alert, and she tries to instantly get back to her feet, but she can't.

  New

  She takes a quick look behind her when an intense pain flares up in her shin, and she finds herself falling to the ground. The adrenaline racing through her veins keeps her alert, but can't seem to help her move.

  Seems too blunt and the tempo is all wrong. I'm not sure if I should use the word adrenaline in my story. Do they even know what adrenaline is in my world? While I take a lot from present day and mix it in with the game and traditional fantasy, adrenaline still seems like it could be out of place. Or at least borderline. But despite all that I'm still leaving it in.
• Old

  She's been paralyzed.

  New

  Paralyzed!

  Show, don't tell. Better to get into Melfina's mind rather than just say it.
• Old

  She tries her hardest to move, all the while anticipating the first slice of pain to cut into her back, as she helplessly stares at the patch of grass in front of her.

  New

  Grass is all she sees while expending all her will into trying to move her arms, all the while anticipating the pain of the monster's claws in her back.

  Show, don't tell. Starting off with what she sees puts us in a better place to experience the moment closer to Melfina, rather than from further away.
• Old

  It expels a loud grunt of dominance, and then a rhythmic screeching noise pierces the air and twists her stomach in knots. Her mental struggle to move intensifies.

  New

  A grunt of dominance reaches her ears followed by a rhythmic screeching noise which twists her stomach in knots. Her mental struggle intensifies as she holds panic at bay.

  Show, don't tell. Why say what its doing, when I can say what is happening.
• Old

  Come on! she yells inside her head as she feels her arm twitch.

  New

  Come on! she yells to herself as she feels her arm twitch.

  Show, don't tell. "Inside her head" sounds too literal and awkward.
• Old

  The noise changes to a soft ripping as she feels the paralysis wearing off. Whatever it was doing, it wasn't eating her yet. Ever so slowly, Melfina makes it to her feet. She doesn't bother with her books this time and just wants to run.

  New

  The noise changes to a soft ripping, as more and more of her body comes back under her control. Whatever it was doing, it wasn't eating her yet. Ever so slowly, Melfina makes it to her feet. She doesn't bother with her books this time and just wants to run.

  Again, show, don't tell.
• Old

  The noises have stopped.

  New

  The ripping has stopped.

  Same reason.
• Old

  She turns around, and sees it standing there amongst the remains of a crystal elemental. The monsters claws and teeth drip with blood as it just stands there and grins a fearsome grin at her.

  New

  She turns around and sees it standing amongst the remains of a crystal elemental. The monster's claws and teeth drip with blood as it grins a fearsome grin at her.

  Finally, a simple removal of excess words.
• Old

  Its eyes widen and it breaks eye contact with her and scans the ground. Melfina see what caught its attention. The red ribbon attached to Forrester's key is easy to pick out amongst the greens and browns of the forest floor.

  New

  Its eyes widen and it breaks eye contact with her to scan the ground. Melfina see what caught its attention. The red ribbon attached to Forrester's key is easy to pick out amongst the greens and browns of the forest floor.

  Wanted the action to feel connected to changed the "and".
• Old

  "Give that back!" she yells instinctively.

  New

  "Give that back!" she yells.

  Too much. Better for the reader to imagine it themselves.
• Old

  She slowly steps up to the creature, picks up the key, and goes back to collect her books, with the creature always within sight. As she picks up the book of necromany, it hits her. She flips it open, scans the page, and walks back to the creature.

  It looks up at her with its yellow eyes.

  New

  She slowly steps up to the creature, picks up the key, and goes back to collect her books, with the creature always within sight. She picks up the book of necromancy, then freezes. Hurriedly, she flips through the spells until she finds what she was looking for.

  She walks back to the creature and it looks up at her with its yellow eyes.

  Back to show, don't tell. This version shows better her reaction as she realizes what the creature is, and better shows the urgency she feels while she's looking for confirmation. The confirmation seemed a better place to end at too, and so I moved the orginal end of the paragraph to the next one.
• Old

  He heart beats faster as she asks, "Are you a horde minion?"

  New

  Her heart beats faster as she asks, "Are you a horde minion?"

  Typo
• Old

  The horde minion doesn't even grunt this time. It squints its eyes in confusion.

  New

  The horde minion doesn't even grunt this time. It squints its eyes and tilts its head in confusion.

  Just wanted to add more to its personality. To make it feel more like a dog.
• Old

  Melfina slowly walks up to the creature, "Stay… stay…" she repeats as she forces herself to walk closer to it, and pat it on the head. She doesn’t feel the cool touch of scales and instead feels fur beneath her palm. She takes a closer look and sees tiny hairs poking up through the scales, extremely short and impossible to see unless you know its there, but hairs nonetheless.

  New

  Melfina slowly walks up to the creature, "Stay… stay…" she repeats as she forces herself to walk closer and pats it on the head. She doesn’t feel the cool touch of scales and instead feels fur beneath her palm. She takes a closer look and sees tiny hairs poking up through the scales, extremely short and impossible to see unless you know its there, but hairs nonetheless.

  Pointless words and typo.
• Old

  She thumbs through the spellbook again, and does the banishment spell. Nothing happens. She tries again, but it still just stands there and stares.

  New

  She thumbs through the spellbook again, and performs the banishment spell. Nothing happens. She tries again, but it just stands there and stares.

  Better word.
• Old

  I can't just leave it here. What if gets attacked? What if it dies?

  New

  I can't just leave it here. What if it gets attacked? What if it dies?

  Missing word.
• Old

  She shifts her weight and a sharp pain reminds her of her injury. She looks to see a clean slice across her shin bone, and casts heal. I'll have to get this repaired again, she thinks as she thumbs the cut fabric.

  New

  She shifts her weight and a sharp pain reminds her of her injury. She looks to see a clean slice across her shin bone, and casts heal. I'll have to get this repaired again, she thinks as she fingers the cut fabric.

  Better word.
• Old

  She looks at the bloody carcass on the ground, and the sharp crystals that used to protrude from the elemental's back, and realize that's what she had tripped over. That's what had paralyzed her. And the horde minion defended her.

  New

  She looks at the bloody carcass on the ground, and the sharp crystals that used to protrude from the elemental's back, then realizes what she tripped over. The elemental. That's what had paralyzed her. And the horde minion defended her.

  Replaced "and" with "then to make the events more connected, and fixed a typo.
• Old

  Looking upon the remains makes her thoughts drift to Forrester's body, and the key he needs to get back to his wife. As she stares at the scattered remains, one piece in particular sticks out. She steps up for a closer look. It wasn't part of the elemental. She moved the mental image in her head, and saw that was one of the missing pieces of Forrester's body.

  New

  Looking upon the remains reminds her of Forrester, and the key she needs to get back to his wife. As she stares at the scattered remains, one piece in particular sticks out. She steps up for a closer look. It wasn't part of the elemental. She moved the mental image in her head, and saw that was one of the missing pieces of Forrester's body.

  The sentence seemed too long.
• Old

  She looks down the path she had come from, and sees the flattened grass the elemental had made, with signs of her footprints right down the center. She had run down the exact path the crystal elemental had used to make its escape when it had originally heard her coming. It was still a juvenile and not big enough to digest a body whole, so it used the sharp crystals on its back to cut pieces away and eat it piece by piece.

  New

  She looks down the path she had come from, and sees the flattened grass the elemental had made, with signs of her footprints right down the center. She had run down the exact path the crystal elemental had used to make its escape when it ran away from the noise that she had made. It was still a juvenile and not big enough to digest a body whole, so it used the sharp crystals on its back to cut away pieces small enough to eat.

  Words
• Old

  She looks back and the remains and tries to put it back together in her head. There was too much missing.

  New

  She looks back at the remains and tries to put it back together in her head. There was too much missing.

  Typo.
• Old

  She speaks the command from the book, "Horde minion, empty all contents."

  New

  She remembers the command from the book, "Horde minion, empty all contents."

  "Speaks" didn't seem like enough. Probably better to just delete it all but the words she says if I was just going to use "speaks". So I came up with "remembers" instead.
• Old

  She starts a small laugh as some of the tension leaves her shoulders. Her laughter quickly and uncontrollably builds until she has trouble breathing. She laughs at the whole situation. She laughs at herself. She was frightened by her own spell, and ran straight towards what she thought she was avoiding. And it had actually run from her and only paralyzed her after she tripped over it.

  New

  A laugh escapes, taking her tension with it. The laugh builds uncontrolably until she's gasping for breath. She had frightened herself with her own spell and ran directly towards what she thought she was running from, only to cause her paralysis by tripping over the elemental.

  Show don't tell. I love having concepts and object do things. In this case, using the laugh to take away Melfina's tension. It sounds so much better than just writing that the tension left Melfina.
• Old

  After a few moments, her laughter changes to wheezing, then stops altogether. She takes a couple deep breaths, then recalls home.

  New

  After a few moments, the gasping becomes wheezing, then the wheezing slows to a stop. She takes a couple deep breaths, then recalls home.

  The new version makes the progression flow together better. In my head "becomes" gives it that continuous feel while "changes to" sounds more instantaneous.