Lots of small changes all over the place to clean things up. A couple paragraphs extended becuase they weren't
clear. And found a way to tie the beginning to the end of the chapter.
Old
Ready. I think I'm ready. I can do this. She steps up to greet Lord Falcon. "Lord Falcon, always a
pleasure to see you."
New
Ready. I think I'm ready. I don't have the order, but I can do this. She steps up to greet Lord
Falcon. "Lord Falcon, always a pleasure to see you."
Ties with the end of the chapter.
Old
"It suits you. I'm sorry to say I have some bad news though. The moon blossom patch I needed was destroyed.
The green you were looking at would take another month to make."
New
"It suits you. But I'm sorry to say I have some bad news. The moon blossom patch I needed was destroyed.
Your order would take another month to complete.
Ties with the end of the chapter.
Old
Melfina watches hope walks out the door. She collapses into her chair, and smothers her head
in her arms.
New
Melfina watches hope walk out the door. She collapses into her chair and smothers her head in her
arms.
Typo. Deleted comma.
Old
She answers with her face still buried, "I did. But I forgot I can't charge the same price as his first
choice."
New
She answers with her face still buried, "I did. But I forgot I can't charge the same price. I'm so
stupid."
That last sentence was a little too long. And I think it works better to scold herself.
Old
Melfina stands and leads him to the library. "This is where I keep my rare books." She opens her cabinet and
pulls out two books. "This is a Tome of Lost Knowledge. I have… two… of them. I… uh… I can part with one of
them. I'll keep the one that's in better condition…" her voice trails off, not knowing how to continue.
New
Melfina stands and leads him to the library. "This is where I keep my rare books." She opens her cabinet and
pulls out two books. Despite what was said, she altered a spellbook last night to look like the Tome.
Just to see if I could. Nothing more."This is a Tome of Lost Knowledge. I have… two… of them. I…
uh… I can part with one of them. I'll keep the one that's in better condition…" her voice trails off, not knowing how to continue.
It wasn't clear that she make a copy of the Tome.
Old
"I suppose I can flirt a bit with spellbooks. This'll be a good first experience. Maybe it'll even become a
permanent part of my business." Tom's heartwarming smile burns into Melfina's chest. "I know it's not
much, not as much as it's probably worth from what you said, but all I can afford at the moment is a quarter
million."
New
"I suppose I can flirt a bit with spellbooks. This'll be a good first experience. Maybe it'll even become a
permanent part of my business." Tom's heartwarming smile burns into Melfina's heart. "I know it's not
much, not as much as it's probably worth from what you said, but all I can afford at the moment is a quarter
million."
No idea why I didn't use the metaphorical "heart" in the first place. May have been trying to hard to tie it to
the dream in 106.
Old
She can save her shop, but his guilt for what he thinks is an unworthy price cracks open her own guilt into a chasm.
New
She can save her shop, but seeing him feel guilt for thinking he's ripping her off magnifies her own.
That was just confusing.
Old
He mistakes the look on her face and his own guilt builds. "I know it's not enough, Mel. But it's all I can
afford. The rest of my money is tied up somewhere else. But I'll tell you what. I'll give you half
the profit I make when I sell it."
New
He mistakes the look on her face and his own guilt builds. "I know it's not enough, Mel. But it's all I can
afford. The rest of my money is tied up elsewhere. But I'll tell you what. I'll give you half the
profit I make when I sell it."
Obviously a better word.
Old
Her heart is pounding in her chest, but she hesitates only a second before answering. "Ok." I can't
lose my home. Not again.
New
Her heart pounds, and she hesitates only a second before answering. "Ok." I can't lose my home.
Not again.
Pointless words. Where else does a heart pound?
Old
Tom writes the check, signs it, and extends salvation to her.
New
Tom writes the check, signs it, and offers salvation.
Once again, it works better as a shorter sentence.
Old
No, I can't, she thinks, but she takes it anyway, moving out of habit. Her body has
gone numb, and so have her thoughts. She extends the imitation Tome to Tom and he reaches for his newest
purchase.
New
No, I can't. But she takes it anyway. Her body has gone numb, and so have her thoughts. She extends the
imitation Tome and Tom and he reaches for his newest purchase.
Too much alliteration.
Old
She feels a tug, and realizes she hasn't let go. "No... no wait... no. I can't. I can't do this Tom." She looks
into his caring face, while her eyes are desperate for forgiveness. "I have to find another way."
New
She feels a tug, and realizes she hasn't let go. "No... no wait... no. I can't. I can't do this, Tom." She looks
into his caring face, while her eyes are desperate for forgiveness. "I have to find another way."
Added comma.
Old
"Mel. It's ok. Don't worry about it, really. This happens all the time. Sometimes it's hard to let go. These
kinds of items can create special bonds with their owners. No need to explain. We'll just forget about
it." He smiles again, and takes back his check.
New
"Mel. It's ok. Don't worry about it, really. This happens all the time. Sometimes it's hard to let go. These
kinds of items create special bonds with their owners. No need to explain. We'll just forget about it." He smiles
again, and takes back his check.
He doesn't need to be technical with "can". He's trying to comfort her.
Old
She packs up his order, and once again watches all hope walk out on her. Someone stirs in the corner of her eye,
and she finds Gamblor watching her.
New
She packs up his order, and once again watches all hope walk out on her. Someone stirs in the corner of her eye,
and there stands Gamblor.
I didn't like having the two "her"s in the sentence. So I changed it.
Old
"So how's business Merchant Vendor Melfina," he asks matter-of-factly.
New
"So how's business Merchant Vendor Melfina," Lord Luna asks.
Wasn't clear who was talking.
Old
"So you were right, Lord Luna," says a woman of an age with Melfina, hidden by the towering forms of the two men.
Not a woman. An itch. A bad itch she thought she was rid of. "It's been such a long time Mel. Lord Luna told
me of your situation, and of course I came to help out an old friend."
New
"So you were right, Lord Luna," says a woman of an age with Melfina, hidden by the towering forms of the two men.
Not a woman. An itch. A bad itch she thought she was rid of. "It's been such a long time, Mel. Lord Luna told
me of your situation, and of course I came to help out an old friend."
Added comma.
Old
"Why, are you going to return my house and start working out west so everyone knows what a slut you
are!"
New
"Why, are you going to return my house and start working for the League so everyone knows what a slut
you are!"
The Infinite League was mentioned too long ago, and only once. That needed to be said more directly.
Old
Melfina grinds her teeth. Anger so hot it won't allow her thoughts to form into cohesive words.
New
Melfina grinds her teeth. Anger so hot it melts all thoughts before they can fully form.
Too clunky.
Old
Lord Luna walks out, followed by that whore Reba.
New
Lord Luna walks out, followed by that whore, Reba.
Added comma.
Old
Gamblor looks back at Mel, then flings his arm in an arc, picking up and releasing the ink bottle in one smooth
motion. It flies toward Lord Luna. Stark grabs his lord out of the way while Gamblor snatches the Tome and
dashes past both of them.
New
Gamblor looks back at Mel, then moves. In one smooth motion he picks up the ink bottle she was going to throw
at him, and launches it at Lord Luna. Stark grabs his lord out of the way while Gamblor snatches the Tome and
dashes past them.
"Flinging" his arm wasn't the right word.
Old
She lets out a wordless scream then yells out, "Get out!"
New
"Get out!"
It just didn't feel right every time I read it. Having "scream" and "yell" in the same sentence doesn't work.