Enlightenment - Chapter XI

July 19, 2009

• Lots of cleaning up needed. Wasn't just typos in this revision.

• Old

  Stark gladly does so and watches Gwendolyne close her eyes as she enjoys the aroma for a moment before taking a sip.

  New

  Stark refills her cup, and Gwendolyne takes in the aroma before taking a sip.

  The sentence was just too long and was trying to do too much. It's not important exactly how she drinks her tea, so it's better to leave it out.
• Old

  Stark helps himself to several more slices of honey glazed ham and some asparagus and potatoes. The dollop of honey dripping on to his biscuits makes his mouth water. He never had honey when he was little, so he wasn't about to pass it up now.

  New

  Stark helps himself to several more slices of honey glazed ham, some asparagus, and potatoes. His mouth waters as he drips honey onto his biscuit. Honey wasn't something they ever served him when he was little, so he wasn't about to pass it up now.

  If I want to get a reaction from the reader, I think it's better to have the paragraph have his reaction, his mouth watering, as the subject, as opposed to having the dripping honey as the focus of the sentence.
• Old

  "I know. With all the time she spends traveling, I didn't think she would have time for cooking. It turns out though, she likes to help the cooks prepare her food. She gets to learn from them, share what she knows, and being friendly with them usually gets her an extra large helping or two, free of charge."

  New

  "I know. With all the time she spends traveling, I didn't think she would have time for cooking. But it turns out that learning from the cooks while she's on the road is one of her favorite things to do. And she gets to charm her way into an extra large helping or two."

  I was going into too much detail. Simple works here, allowing the reader to fill in the gaps however they wish.
• Old

  "My parents... they were killed in the Dragon War two years ago. "They had the most successful shop in Luna, outside of those directly owned by the city. They were both mages and sold all kinds of magical goods produced by hard work, smart shopping, and renting out space to select vendors, and making sure everything was sold at a fair price. Not the extortion you see all over the city now."

  New

  "My parents... they were killed in the Dragon War two years ago. "They had the most successful shop in Luna, outside of those directly owned by the city. They were both mages and sold all kinds of magical goods produced by hard work and smart shopping, and they rented out space to select vendors, while making sure everything was sold at a fair price. Not the extortion you see all over the city now."

  It almost felt like it was supposed to be two sentences. How Melfina's parents acquired goods, and how they treated vendors. But I can see where I was going with it, so I only tweaked it a bit.
• Old

  "When I turned ten, as my present, my parents paid for my apprenticeship with the holy mages."

  New

  "For my tenth birthday, my parents paid for my apprenticeship with the holy mages."

  It just didn't flow right. It made perfect sense, but the sound just isn't as pleasing as it could be.
• Old

  Melfina rolls her eyes. "To become a scribe not a holy mage! My parent's shop was where I belonged. Well, Wayland wasn't the High Father at the time yet, of course. He was one of the holy historians, and he was the one who offered to train me."

  New

  Melfina rolls her eyes. "To become a scribe not a holy mage! My parent's shop was where I belonged. So anyway, Wayland wasn't the High Father at the time yet, of course. He was one of the holy historians, and he was the one who offered to train me."

  It sounded like too abrupt of a change, with no indication that it was happening. If you could hear the "Well", and they way it's said, it probably can work in speech, but in text, "So anyway" fits what a wanted much better.
• Old

  "As he got closer and closer to finishing with all he could teach me of inscription and the like, he started pushing harder and harder to transition my apprenticeship from becoming a scribe, into becoming a holy mage. He said Luna would benefit greatly from my presence."

  New

  "As my training was nearing completion, he started pushing harder and harder to transition my apprenticeship from becoming a scribe, into becoming a holy mage. He said Luna would benefit greatly from my presence."

  I guess I was trying to go for some kind of contrast with "closer and closer" to "harder and harder" but why? I said it six words what I originally told in nineteen words. I suppose it could still work, but at minimum I would have had to delete "and the like."
• Old

  "My parents stood by my decision. After Wayland saw that I wouldn't budge, he tried going directly to them. He came by more than once. It seemed friendly at first. But after each visit, my dad looked more and more angry. Eventually, dad just kicked him out as soon as he appeared."

  New

  After Wayland saw that I wouldn't budge, he tried convincing my parents, but they stood by my decision. But he kept on coming back. It seemed friendly at first. But after each visit, my dad looked more and more angry. Eventually, dad just kicked him out as soon as he appeared."

  This was just bad. It didn't make sense. The paragraph was clearly in the wrong order.
• Old

  "Well, Wayland didn't like that. He wanted me. He wanted me to become one of them. All of a sudden our area of Luna became reclassified, and our taxes rose. Taxes rose on our property, on our sales, on rental space, on everything! We started getting fined for the most ridiculous of infractions as well."

  New

  "Well, Wayland didn't like that. He wanted me. He wanted me to become one of them. All of a sudden our area of Luna became reclassified, and our taxes rose. Taxes rose on our property, on our sales, on rental space, on everything! And we started getting fined for the most ridiculous of infractions."

  Either way worked. I like this way better. The "and" lets the reader know the change is coming before the read it, rather than reading the "as well" after they figured out the slight switch in topic.