A lot of small changes. Lots of cleaning up, deleting pointless sentences, and adding small amounts of clarification.
Old
The commotion outside lures both of them outside and Melfina finds herself watching Cadence in the middle
of a tirade with Lord Luna, with Gwen standing by firmly in support. The Lord of West Luna holds a steady arm before
him, letter in hand, while an annoyed Lady Reba watches on.
New
The commotion lures both of them outside. Melfina finds herself watching Cadence confronting Lord Luna,
with Gwen standing by firmly in support. The Lord of West Luna does not flinch and holds steady the letter in
front of him while an annoyed Lady Reba watches on.
Two "outside"s and two "with"s were not working well.
Old
Pride swells Melfina's heart as they put in what fight they can. However, Lord Luna maintains an outward calm,
warding off the onslaught. He turns toward Lady Reba, then notices the two who have emerged from the shop.
"Guard Captain. I am in need of your services." She feels deflated when Stark moves without
hesitation.
New
Pride swells Melfina's heart as they put in what fight they can. However, Lord Luna maintains an outward calm,
warding off the onslaught. He turns toward Lady Reba, then notices the two who have emerged from the shop.
"Guard Captain. I am in need of your services." Her elation deflates when Stark moves without
hesitation.
Too boring.
Old
"I need more time! Gamblor..."
New
"I need more time! Gamblor-"
Matching my new conventions.
Old
"...is a thief. He's not coming back to save you."
New
"-is a thief. He's taken your Tome and he's not coming back."
This is probably better clarifying it here.
Old
"This isn't war time! You're not some soldier guarding an important package! He's right there! I
could hit him with an ink bottle from here! He should deliver it himself!"
New
"What does this have to do with guarding anything! You're not some soldier guarding an important
package! He's right there! He should deliver it himself!"
I didn't want to talk about war. They're guards not soldiers. And the ink bottle line would have worked better
before Gamblor actually threw one at the end of last chapter. Not after one's already been thrown.
Old
"Vas Flam!" She shrieks and with a quick circular motion of her hand, and fireball springs forth
from her fingertips. The watchful Stark removes the letter from the path of the oncoming
fireball.
New
"Vas flam!" she shrieks and a fireball is loosed.
The watchful Stark moves the letter from the fireball's path.
Capitalization, excessive description, boring sentence, and needed to be two paragraphs.
Old
Her fury flares even greater. "Vas flam! Vas flam! Vas flam!" Stark moves quickly but cannot
both protect the letter from the final fireball and stay out of its path. As it just barely touches his chest, Stark
rolls his body away from it and it skips across his flesh leaving him unsinged.
New
Her fury flares even greater. "Vas flam! Vas flam! Vas flam!"
Stark encases the letter in his hands and dodges. He moves quickly but cannot dodge them all.
But as the last fireball strikes him, he spins away and it skips across his armor, leaving him unharmed.
Needed to be two paragraphs. I'm not sure if this is the best description for evading the fireball, but I think
it's better.
Old
Her anger coalesces into tears, and she stalks toward him, ready to accept her fate. She attempts to
snatch the letter from his hands, but he pulls away. "Give me that!"
New
Her anger transforms into tears. She stalks toward him, ready to accept her fate, but he
pulls away when she attempts to snatch the letter from his hands. "Give me that!"
Too many syllables there. Then when I seperated the first sentence in two, I didn't like how sentence two and three
started with "She stalks" and "She attempts". So I combined them.
Old
With duty in his voice, he replies, "'You have shown hostility toward receipt of this letter
from the Lord of West Luna. I am required to read it aloud as proof that you have heard and understood its
contents." He pauses for any response she may have, then proceeds when none arises.
New
With a dutiful voice, he replies, "You have shown hostility toward receipt of this letter from the Lord
of West Luna. I am required to read it aloud as proof that you have heard and understood its contents." He pauses
for any response she may have, then proceeds when none arises.
Too bland, and a typo.
Old
He hands the letter to her. She crushes it in her fist and turns around back toward the shop. Stark
quickly steps in her path. "You are no longer allowed to enter. I'm sure Lord Luna will let you keep something.
But you have to speak with him first."
New
He hands her the letter. She crushes it in her fist and turns around back toward the shop. Stark
quickly steps in her path. "You are no longer allowed to enter. I'm sure Lord Luna will let you keep something.
But you have to speak with him first."
Sounds better simpler.
Old
"My offer still stands Mel!" yells Lady Reba with a self-satisfied smirk on her face.
New
"My offer still stands, Mel!" yells Lady Reba with a self-satisfied smirk on her face.
Added a comma.
Old
Lady Reba easily side steps the fireball from that great a distance.
New
The distance between them makes it easy enough for Lady Reba to sidestep the fireball.
"That great a distance" just didn't sound quite right.
Old
"Ooo… scary." Mel says as sarcastically as possible.
New
"I'll pay to have you sleep in your dog's mess!"
I never liked that line. This isn't perfect, but it's better.
Old
"I'll hire someone to follow you and pick up every reg you find before you can pick it up. Without any seed money
or supplies that I'm offering you, you'll never get back on your feet. I can't wait for the reports to come in on
each failure to start a new business, or each new hole and tear in your dress that can no longer afford to mend."
New
"I'll hire someone to follow you and pick up every reg you find before you can pick it up. Without any seed money
or the supplies that I'm offering you, you'll never get back on your feet. I can't wait for the reports
to come in on each failure to start a new business, or each new hole and tear in your dress that can no longer
afford to mend."
What can I say? Sounds better with "the". Without the "the" it sounds like the pause is supposed to be after
"Without seed money or supplies".
Old
Lord Luna proceeds toward the shop without a backward glance, Lady Reba hurrying to catch up.
New
Lord Luna proceeds toward the shop without a backward glance. Lady Reba hurries to catch up.
"Lady Reba hurrying" didn't sound right. It's better as two sentences.
Old
Cadence and Gwen step forward to comfort her but a new found rage builds from behind her
tears. Mind focused, she clutches onto her spellbook, waves both arms in an intricate pattern of
interweaving circles and speaks the words of power, Vas Corp Por.
New
Cadence and Gwen try to comfort their friend but a new found rage grows from her tears. Mind
focused, she grabs hold of her spellbook, moves her hands in precisely set interweaving circles, and
speaks the words of power, "Vas cor por!"
I think adding "their friend" was important, it implies actions that I'm not saying. I like rage "growing" from
tears instead of building, because tears equaling water to grow plants, is a much clearer metaphor. "Waving"
her arms around makes me think she's frantically moving them about, and that's just not the case.
Old
What was once empty space between Lord Luna and the shop, is now filled with her rage given life. Towering above
even the antlers on Lord Luna's helm, the energy vortex looks down upon all those before it with its featureless
face. With an upper torso roughly in the shape of a human with purple skin, it moves about on a tornado as chaotic
as the emotions that created it. While they won't turn on the summoner, they also cannot be controlled once they
take shape.
New
What was once empty space between Lord Luna and the shop, becomes filled with her rage given life.
Towering above even the antlers on Lord Luna's helm, the energy vortex looks down upon all those before it.
A piercing stare somehow burns from a featureless face. Purple skin covers the rippling muscles of its
humanoid upper half, but instead of legs it moves about on a tornado as chaotic as the emotions that created
it. It will not turn on its summoner, but once let loose upon its enemies, it cannot be controlled.
I like "becomes" better. You can see it appearing instead of having it already there. The description of the
vortex is improved, and I like how the paragraph now ends with "cannot be controlled" as opposed to "once they
take shape." A much more powerful ending.
Old
Lord Luna immediately takes a step backward, pulling Lady Reba with him. No weapons and no
steed, the two are helpless before it. The vortex lifts its massive arm, and it is deflected as Stark's
sword rains down on the creature.
New
Lord Luna steps back, pulling Lady Reba with him. With no weapons and no steed, the two are
helpless before it. Before is can crush them with its massive arms, Stark's sword rains down upon
it.
The same problem I always have with "immediately". It takes a long time to read. Ending with "on the creature"
takes away from the "raining down" of Stark's sword. Better to shorten it to "it".
Old
Stark sword flashes like lightning, but the consistency of the creature makes it hard to land
solid blows.
New
Stark's sword flashes like lightning, but the vortex isn't truely made of flesh, making it
hard to land a solid blow.
I think it works better to describe what the creature is (or isn't) made of, rather than implying it with the word
"consistency".
Old
Back and forth the two combatants strike out. Deliberate and surgical opposing wild and savage.
New
Back and forth they strike. Deliberate and surgical opposing wild and savage.
The simplicity of the sentence is what allows the imagination to be set free.
Old
Stark sees an opening and plunges into the creature's chest. It has no heart, but it must have felt pain
of some kind. A roar bellows forth from its core and a backhanded swing knocks Stark off his
feet and sends him flying through the air.
New
Stark sees an opening and strikes deep into the creature's chest. It has no heart, but it must have felt
pain. A roar bellows forth from its core and a backhanded swing sends Stark flying through the air.
"Plunges" was missing "his sword", but completed that way, it didn't sound right. Got rid of useless words.
Old
With the sword still in its chest, the Vortex moves toward Stark, raising both arms above
its head, fingers interlaced.
New
With the sword stuck in its chest, the vortex moves toward Stark with its hands interlaced
into a massive fist and its arms raised over head, ready to land a crushing blow.
"Stuck" is much more powerful than "still". Show not tell. Capitalization. And improved the description a lot. Don't
know if it's the best yet, but it's better.
Old
"...something! Mel!"
New
"...osomething! Mel!"
Felt like there needed to be more there. A clue as to what was said before she began hearing it.
Old
Mel finds herself being shaken out of her daze by Cadence, and she immediately responds. Please let this
work, she thinks as she casts dispel. "An grav!"
New
Mel finds Cadence shaking her out of her daze. She didn't really mean for this to happen. So she
responds. Please let this work, she thinks as she casts dispel. "An grav!"
Too clunky, and there needed to be that extra sentence to explain her motivation.
Old
It bends in on itself and in a puff of smoke, the vortex vanishes. Silence. Then Stark's sword clatters to the ground.
New
In the middle of its swing, the vortex bends in on itself and in a puff of smoke, it vanishes.
Silence. Then Stark's sword clatters to the ground.
Needed to do the typical last second save that you see on tv. Hadn't pulled it off well last time.
Old
Stark stirs and Melfina runs toward him. She quickly heals his wounds as the rest gather around.
New
Stark stirs and Melfina runs toward him. She heals his wounds as the rest gather around.
I don't like "quickly" same reason I don't like "immediately". It makes the sentence longer.
Old
"You shouldn't have done that," says Lord Luna matter-of-factly.
New
"You shouldn't have done that," says Lord Luna.
Just don't like it anymore. I'll let the readers figure it out.
Old
"What more can you sell? No one will approach the shop today. Not now." Her eyes take in the destruction the
vortex had caused. Dirt, grass, and water shards thrown about everywhere.
New
"What more can you sell? No one will approach the shop today. Not now." Her eyes take in the destruction the
vortex had caused. Dirt, grass, and water shards litter the area.
Too bland.
Old
"Is it safe?" calls out a voice. Melfina's heart races as everyone turns to find Gamblor peeking his head
from around the corner.
New
"Is it safe?" calls out a voice. Melfina's heart races as she recognizes it. Everyone turns to find
Gamblor peeking his head out from behind a building.
Made it slightly longer to build up a tiny bit more suspense. And the last part was missing a word, and was cleaned
up.
Old
"Why yes it is Lord Luna," Gamblor says cheerily, ignoring Lord Luna's tone, and the Tome of Lost Knowledge in his
grasp. "And a beautiful day as well."
New
"Why yes it is, Lord Luna," Gamblor says cheerily, ignoring Lord Luna's tone, and flaunting the Tome of
Lost Knowledge in his grasp. "And a beautiful day as well."
Added a comma and a missing word.
Old
"Oh of course not, my lord. It was never for selling. Just good reading for the trip." He flashes his teeth
at Lord Luna while handing Melfina a letter. He's quickly shoved out of the way as Stark grabs hold of the
Tome.
New
"Oh of course not, my lord. It was never for selling. Just good reading for the trip." He flashes his teeth
at Lord Luna while handing Melfina a letter.
With renewed strength, Stark snatches the Tome and shoves Gamblor back.
Needed to be two paragraphs, and written with more life.
Old
Melfina notices none of that. A smile beams from her face. She hands the letter to Lord Luna and as he
reads the letter, she pulls out a checkbook and walks toward the shop.
New
Melfina notices none of it. A smile beams from her face. She hands the letter to Lord Luna and as he
reads the it, she pulls out a checkbook and walks toward the shop.
"It" keeps it present tense. And didn't like having two "letter"s.
Old
Lord Luna holds out a hand before Stark can even think to follow.
New
Lord Luna signals Stark to hold before he can think to follow.
Holding out a hand isn't clear. How the signal is made isn't important, just that a signal is conveyed.
Old
It says I've sold the formula for my silent teleport tiles, she thinks as she emerges on the second floor
to get a pen. MAGIC bought the rights to it, and they paid well.
New
It says I've sold the formula for my silent teleport tiles. MAGIC bought the rights to it, and they paid well.
It doesn't matter where she gets the pen. Might as well take it out.
Old
Melfina grins.
New
Melfina smiles a sweet smile at her ex-friend.
I think "grin" was too much smiling. Melfina would smirk back at Reba. And I like how saying ex-friend ties back to
the beginning of the chapter.