The ending is greatly improved. I completely changed the story of Stark's brother. Other fixes along the way as
well.
Old
No time to relax. Melfina's frustration builds as she examines her diminishing supply of magical reagents.
Why can't it be easier to restock regs! It seems as if everyone dabbles in magery to one extent or
another, and the supply shops sell out as fast as they can restock as a result. Collecting them in the wild would
be even more time consuming than chasing down stocked supply shops. Some shops hire help whose sole job is
to go from shop to shop to wait for new shipments to arrive, but she couldn't cover the costs
for extra help and still make a profit.
New
No time to relax. Melfina examines her diminishing supply of magical reagents. Why can't it be easier to
restock regs! It seemed as if everyone dabbled in magery from at degree or another. It was good for
business but frustrating when low on supplies. Gathering reagents was out of the question. With the
amount she needed, it would be even more time consuming than chasing down stocked supply shops. Some shops
hire help whose sole job is to go from shop to shop, waiting for fresh shipments, but that wasn't an
expense she could cover.
Too boring.
Old
The first quarter payment was almost due, and she hadn't be setting money aside for the payment.
Dividing her time between library and shop didn't help her situation either. But it's out of her hands now, and
going about her normal business keeps her from falling into despair. At least business was good today, and the
grind of making scroll after scroll is a consequence of that.
New
The first quarter payment was almost due, and she hadn't be setting money aside. Dividing her time between library
and shop didn't help matters either. But it's out of her hands now, and going about her normal business
keeps her from falling into despair. At least business was good today, but the grind of making scroll
after scroll, and keeped stocked with supplies for those scrolls was a consequence of that.
The last sentence was missing a step in the logic.
Old
Melfina can make piles of recall scrolls without thinking and does so. She lets her arm do the work
while her mind is constantly churning, wandering from subject to subject – what she was
doing with her life, ideas for her books, the nature of magic, and organizing and acquiring more books for the
library. The notebook she always has nearby is eclectic mix of all of these thoughts, and is also her escape from
the troubles of life.
New
She lets her arm do the work while her mind constantly churns from subject to subject – what she was doing
with her life, ideas for her books, the nature of magic, and organizing and acquiring more books for the library.
The notebook she always has nearby is andeclectic mix of all of these thoughts, and is also her escape
from the troubles of life.
A completely useless first sentence. I could just get right to showing it. And some other pointless words.
Old
"But no matter how many… the center…" Melfina says to herself, thoughts not even fully finished in her own head
before dismissing them. She hears a careful knock, and finds Stark standing at the entrance to the
library. "Excuse me Merchant Vendor."
New
"But no matter how many… the center…" Melfina says to herself, thoughts not even fully finished in her own head
before dismissing them. She hears a careful knock, and finds Stark appearing. "Excuse me,
merchant vendor."
The library has no entrance. It's a teleport tile.
Old
Melfina lifts a hand, and to finishes writing down her current thoughts, before replying.
She smiled inside all the while, his use of her formal title always made her smile. Never so he
can see it, of course. The respect in his voice expects professionalism back. And his voice really
does say it with respect, it's not just a simple greeting for him. He doesn't just see a girl, one who's younger
than most other merchant vendors. Her age isn't an issue when it comes to her level of skill.
New
Melfina lifts a hand, and hides a smile, and finishes writing down her current thoughts before replying.
His use of her formal title always made her smile. Never so he could see it, of course. The
respect in his voice expects professionalism back. And his voice really does say it with respect, it's not just a
simple greeting for him. He doesn't just see a girl, one who's probably younger than any other
he's seen. Her age isn't an issue when it comes to her level of skill, but not everyone has seen it
that way.
That second sentence just felt really out of place. The issue of the smile definitely needed to be part of the topic
sentence of the paragraph.
Old
"Yes, Guard Captain?"
New
"Yes, guard captain?"
Just matching the new capitalization convention.
Old
"It's nice to hear how seriously you take your position, Guard Captain." And she really has
felt safer since he was hired. Reminiscing about that first meeting always puts her in a good mood. She
certainly would be afraid to face him. He doesn't wear all the armor he wore that day, but it still looks heavy
and strong. "It's the Infinite League. That guild owns several places out west. Lord Luna hasn't figured out
how to deal with them just yet. Their services attract a certain kind of people."
New
"It's nice to hear how seriously you take your position, guard captain,." And she really has
felt safer since he was hired. Reminiscing about that first meeting always puts her in a good mood. She
certainly would be afraid to face him. He doesn't wear all the armor he wore that day, but it still looks heavy
and strong. "It's the Infinite League. That guild owns several places out west. Lord Luna hasn't figured out
how to deal with them just yet. Their services attract a certain kind of people."
Capitalization again.
Old
She continues, "Outlawing whorehouses in Luna won't eliminate them altogether, especially with Luna withdrawing
their nearby protection, so a money maker like that was bound to pop up somewhere. As close to Luna as they
dared. We're just unlucky enough to be in the way. I don't know the League members personally," her mood
darkens a little, "but one time one of their stupid, drunk, dirty clients dropped an oil lamp near the shop and
almost set the place on fire!"
New
"Just because they've been outlawed in Luna, doesn't mean they won't pop up somewhere. They just make
too much money. And since Luna withdrew its protection around here, they set up as close as they dared.
We're just unlucky enough to be in the way. I don't know the League members personally," her mood darkens a little,
"but one time one of their stupid, drunk, dirty clients dropped an oil lamp near the shop and almost set the place
on fire!"
Too long and bland, but the ending was wonderful.
Old
"I see," he says grimly. "Thank you Merchant Vendor. That's cleared things up. I'll watch out for
them."
New
"I see," he says grimly. "Thank you, merchant vendor. That's cleared things up. I'll watch out for
them."
Capitalization.
Old
The notebook in the corner of her eye reminds of her something, and before he gets up, she quickly asks,
"Can I ask you something?"
New
She glances down, and her notebook sparks a thought. "Can I ask you something?"
That was too long, and a bit awkward.
Old
"What were you doing the other day? Were you meditating? Mages do that…" she trails off, confused.
New
"What were you doing the other day? Were you meditating? You're not a mage…" she trails off, confused.
I never liked that part. Finally found a fix.
Old
"Oh that. Yes. But not what mages do, I believe. It's a concentration technique. To clear the mind so the
body reacts as efficiently as possible. To be used in battle, but can be trained outside of it."
New
"Oh that. Yes. But not what mages do, I believe. It's a concentration technique. To clear the mind so the
body reacts as efficiently as possible. To be used in battle, but it can be trained outside of it."
That just didn't sound right.
Old
"Yes. To both. All paladins must choose an area of study to focus on, beyond chivalry. Some
choose healing or tracking or even something like fishing. We all learn a little bit about several disciplines, but
we must choose one to concentrate on. Our diversity, alone and as a whole, is what makes us the best, both inside
and outside of battle."
New
"Yes. To both. All paladins must choose a secondary area of study. Some choose healing or tracking or
even something like fishing. We all learn a little bit about several disciplines, but we must choose one to
concentrate on. Our diversity, alone and as a whole, is what makes us the best, both inside and outside of battle."
One word perfectly says what took me six words.
Old
"I didn't, actually," Stark answers in a tone that is both ashamed and proud at the same time. "My Keeper,
Brandon, insisted on it. At that time, no paladin had ever chosen bushido as their Concentration, or
since, I think. The Tokuno borders are still too freshly opened for it to have spread far. Keeper Brandon
thought it was time the Order learned."
New
"I didn't, actually," Stark answers in a tone that is both ashamed and proud at the same time. "My Keeper,
Brandon, insisted on it. At that time, no paladin had ever chosen bushido as their Concentration. Or
since, I think. The Tokuno borders are still too freshly opened for it to have spread far. Keeper Brandon
thought it was time the Order learned."
Not that important. I think it works better though.
Old
She almost lets him leave, not sure what just happened, but she manages to call out before too long.
New
She almost lets him leave, not sure what just happened, but she manages to call out before he's gone.
Better to be direct here. Sounded a bit odd the other way, although it still does make sense.
Old
The strength seems to pour out of him as his shoulders slowly slump, and although his back is facing her.
New
The strength seems to pour out of him as his shoulders slump. And although his back is facing her,
she see the shallow breaths, and can hear the tears wanting to come out.
Whoa. I forgot to finish the sentence.
Old
His voice quavers as he talks more to himself than to her, each word more painful than the last, as if
each were slowly peeling away his skin to uncover what was underneath. "Focusing on my duties keeps me from
remembering. They always… I can't stop… ,there was so much blood… staying behind…
it didn't help. They were right to get rid of me. There was so much blood. Nothing I did... I couldn't…
it didn't… I…"
New
He talks more to himself than to her, each word more painful than the last, as if each were slowly peeling
away a piece of his soul. "Focusing on my duties keeps me from remembering. At night… I can't stop…
There was so much blood… Staying behind… it didn't help. They were right to get rid of me.
There was so much blood. Nothing I did... I couldn't… It didn't… I…"
Needed to reference the nightmares, so changed the "They always..." to "At night...". Then just because the
sentences weren't complete, didn't mean that I should stop capitalizing. It's hard enough for the reader with the
ends of the sentences gone.
Old
Melfina rushes to him, but she didn't know how to comfort him. She squeezes his hands, the only unarmored part
of him. Melfina tries making eye contact, but his hollow blue eyes just look through her with anguish.
New
Melfina rushes to him, but she didn't know how to comfort him. She squeezes his hands, the only place with no
armor. Melfina tries making eye contact, but his hollow blue eyes just look through her with anguish.
"Armor" sounds better at the end. Ending that sentence with "him" doesn't seem to have as much impact.
Old
Hearing that, he collapses to his knees. "It wasn't enough. I couldn't save him… I…"
New
Her words sap the strength in his legs and he collapses to his knees. "It wasn't enough. I couldn't
save him… I…"
Better? Still not quite perfect, but better. Something has to be there before he collapses. I don't think I've
come up with the best metaphor yet. I like the word "collapses" but doesn't seem to work right with "to his
knees."
Old
...couldn't save him. Melfina reads as he tries to speak the words, but sound no longer leaves his lips.
New
...couldn't save him. she reads from his lips as his voice gives out.
This also works much better. Much more elegant. Another sentence I always wanted to improve.
Old
Stark continues, not hearing. "My brother… he always looked out for me. Defended me. I almost died once.
When I was little. He sacrificed some of his fingers for me, almost his whole hand, and was ready to give his
life, just to save mine. Even when the Order said they couldn't take him, that the Guard was as far as he could
go, he always trained with me, made sure I was doing well. I didn't care about saving the others. I only tried
to save him." Stark finally sees Melfina in front of him. His haunted look rips into her. "That's why… that's
why I failed."
New
Stark continues over her, oblivious to what she's saying. "My brother… he always looked out for me.
Defended me. Some kids tied me to a tree once, and left me out in the snow. When he noticed I was missing
he came after me. He got there at the same time as the wolves. He fought them off. He lost two fingers, but he
fought them off. And he made it so the kids never messed with me again. And he'd do all kinds of small things like
always give me the bigger half of whatever we ate."
"Then when the Order said they couldn't take him, that the Guard was as far as he could go, he
always trained with me, made sure I was doing well. I didn't stay behind to save the others.
I only tried to save him." Stark looks up a bit, and his haunted look rips into her. "That's why… that's
why I failed. I forgot my duty. I became selfish. And I was punished."
Complete overhaul. I never felt this was as powerful as it could have been. This definitely works better with a
concrete example. And for some reason I like the bit about the eating. It was in one of my earlier drafts, but I
took it out. And the last part definitely needed to be spelled out more. I don't think it was clear.
Old
She didn't know what to say. She reaches out and rests his head on her shoulder and manages to whisper
one last sentence before he finally breaks.
New
She doesn't know what to say. She rests his head on her shoulder and he manages to whisper
one last sentence before he breaks completely.
Tense and forgot a word. And then "completely" is a much better word. I'm not positive it should go after "breaks"
instead of before, but he's been slowly breaking this whole time, and this is the last of it.
Old
Time passes, neither know how long, until everything was finally released, for now at least.
She helps him up, providing what strength she can.
New
Time passes, neither know how long, until it's all fully released. She helps him up, providing what
strength she can.
Tense and just too long. Too messy. This is better.
Old
He reaches down and puts his gauntlets back on, completing his armor, inside, as well as out. "Good day,
Merchant Vendor, I have to get back to my duties."
New
He picks up his gauntlets puts the armor, outside, as well in. "Good day, merchant vendor, I
have to get back to my duties."
Too long to reach the end of that sentence. And had it backwards. Since he picked up his armor, that needs to be
mentioned first.
Old
His eyes remain still, but his mind races to shut everything out, including herself. But it had been enough. "Mel,"
he answers back, voice steadier, soul mending. He then nods and walks with steps strong but more relaxed, returning
to his duties but not his isolation.
New
His eyes remain still, but his minds struggles to shut everything out, including herself. But her
words had been enough. "Mel," he answers back, voice steadier, soul mending. He then nods and walks
with strength, returning to his duties but not his isolation.
A much better word in "struggles" describes what's going on, "it" needed to be more clear, and I tried doing too
much at the end there.