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July 23, 2009
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Some pretty big changes. I expanded/clear-ed up the explanation on the construction of spellbooks and what was
so special about the Tome of Lost Knowledge, and tightened up the history of the Dragon War, as well as lots of
other cleaning up.
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Old
Gamblor plops down some paper, uncaps an ink bottle, picks up a quill, and crams it into her hand. "Come on!
Start writing some gold!" He makes her dip the quill into the bottle.
New
Gamblor plops down some paper, uncaps an ink bottle, picks up a quill, and crams it into her hand. "Come on!
Start scribing some gold!" He makes her dip the quill into the bottle.
I like it less formal.
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Old
Melfina has spent countless hours studying spellbooks and their history. Any scribe with a decent amount of
skill can make a spellbook that has a unique resonance to it. The mana may flow just a little easier, or the spells
come out a little more intense. Everything that Melfina has found on the Lost Knowledge tomes have all stated that
the specific resonance that each of those ancient spellbooks share just can't be duplicated anymore.
New
Melfina has spent countless hours studying spellbooks. Their history and construction. Basic spellbooks were
easy enough to make. Even apprentices could make them. But it takes greater and greater skill to add various
enhancements. Allowing the mana to flow gentler or being more forgiving on the precision required to cast a spell
were just a couple of these features. And any mage of any skill would be able to identify the specific enhancements
each book had by feeling it's unique resonance.
I felt like I didn't really explain the resonance well.
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Old
Many scribes have tried to copy the Tomes, and all have failed. It wasn't just the power level that couldn't
be duplicated, the pages simply wouldn't come together as a mana focus. Spells just couldn't be cast with the
attempted copies. The largest obstacle is an enchantment of some kind that makes it so the words are comprehensible
only while a Tome is being held. That enchantment leads to a random series of characters every time a copy was
attempted.
New
The Lost Knowledge tomes were special. They all shared the same resonance, and one that no scribe had ever
been able to replicate. Stranger still was the fact that all attempts in copying these tomes not only failed in
making another Tome, but failed in producing a mana focus altogether. They books were just books. They were
useless in spell casting. And the last, and greatest mystery, was the text was only comprehensible while a Tome
was being held. Scribes attempted to copy the notes inside, only to find that they had been writing random,
meaningless letters.
I lose that opening sentence that I loved, but I gain a much clearer description about what makes the Tomes so
special.
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Old
The old king had a glorious reign. A fearsome combination of resources, ideas, and the will to see them through,
brought about a level of prosperity Luna had never seen. His ideas built up Luna, and his ideas tore it
back down. You cannot challenge the gods and expect the challenge to go unanswered.
New
The old king had a glorious reign. A fearsome combination of resources, ideas, and the will to see them through,
brought about a level of prosperity Luna had never seen. His ideas built Luna up, and his ideas tore it
back down. You cannot challenge the gods and expect the challenge to go unanswered.
Obviously it works better there. Don't know how I missed that.
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Old
The old king began proclaiming that it was Luna that could grant true wealth, and that the God of Wealth was
obsolete. The words were spoken and Tal'Keesh responded. Dragon and god, she decended on Luna with
fury and flame, both fueling her army's spirit and melting Luna's resolve.
New
The old king began proclaiming that it was Luna that could grant true wealth, and that the God of Wealth was
obsolete. The words were spoken and Tal'Keesh responded. Dragon and god, she descended on Luna with
fury and flame, fueling her army's spirit and melting Luna's resolve.
Typo, and wanted to shorten the sentence where possible.
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Old
The war began during the Gathering of Light, and it was the unified strength of the Order of Light that
forged the city's defenders into a single unit and gave hope to the people. The final battle
was a sight to behold. With the Defenders of Virtue showing the way, many of Luna's most
selfless residents rose up beside them in defense of their home. Spirits defiant, they all fought
with honor. The God of Wealth was defeated, but at a heavy cost. Her bones kept as both trophy and
warning, and Luna would be forever changed.
New
The war began during the Gathering of Light, and it was the strength of the Order of Light that forged
the defenders as one. The final battle was a sight to behold. With the Defenders of Virtue
lighting the way, Luna's residents rose up beside them in defense of their home. Spirits
defiant, they fought with honor. The God of Wealth fell, but at a heavy cost. Her bones were kept
as both trophy and warning, and Luna would be forever changed.
There we go. The point is to make the tale of the Dragon War as compact and full of powerful metaphors as possible.
I eliminated as many plain words as possible and trimmed out the unnecessary ones.
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Old
"Well, the king died for his sins. Too bad the war ended with that fool Aedilwulf proclaiming the end of Luna's
kings so he could then become archduke. It's the same thing!"
New
"Well, the king died for his sins. Too bad the war ended with that fool Aedilwulf proclaiming the end of Luna's
kings, only to proclaim himself Archduke. It's the same thing!"
Takes fewer syllables to reach the verb "proclaim" as opposed to the what it took to reach "become". It's actually
longer, but it feels shorter.
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Old
"You're lucky I'm here on business Gamblor." She glares with a fearsome, yet cute, glare that Melfina knows she
could never pull off. "You can make it up to me tonight. I'll be playing in Luna sweetie."
New
"You're lucky I'm here on business, Gamblor." She glares with a fearsome, yet cute, glare that Melfina knows she
could never pull off. "You can make it up to me tonight. I'll be playing in Luna, sweetie."
Commas.
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Old
Gamblor looks up through the ceiling. "Look at that. The day sure has gone by fast. I have another stop to
make. Good day ladies," he says, somehow managing to wink at both of them at the same time. He makes his way out,
keeping as far as possible from Cadence as he passes her by.
New
Gamblor looks up through the ceiling. "Look at that. The day sure has gone by fast. I have another stop to
make. Good day ladies," he says, somehow managing to wink at both of them at the same time. He makes his way out,
keeping as far as possible from Cadence as he passes by.
Pointless word. Made it slightly awkward sounding.
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Old
"That's it? For all that he did, he's only the price of a regular spellbook! They must not want to catch
him too badly."
New
"That's it? For all that he did, he's only the price of a spellbook! They must not want to catch him too badly."
It's better shorter. I don't need to be that precise even if I did mean a basic and plain spellbook.
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Old
The Guard Captain walks into the shop with a very vibrantly dressed man. The next trend will most likely
be blinding white cloth and armor, adorned with flowing patterns of gold and lime green. Tom always seems to start
new fashion trends. "Tom! How have you been?" says Melfina with a warm smile.
New
The guard captain walks into the shop with a very vibrantly dressed man. The next trend will most likely
be blinding white cloth and armor, adorned with flowing patterns of gold and lime green. Tom always seems to start
new fashion trends. "Tom! How have you been?" says Melfina with a warm smile.
Matching my new capitalization conventions.
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Old
"Of course. No one else does it better. They have the manpower, and the resources. It's quite a company."
Magical Add-ons, Gadgets, and Intriguing Charms sells only the best quality, and often unique, house add-ons,
from their Bottomless Trash Barrels and teleport tiles to Night Sight Earrings and mood rings.
Some of their products have become a home construction standard. "I'd be terrified to compete with them. Buying
and selling. That's the way to go. No wandering dangerous wilds and slaying dangerous beasts, and no wondering if
someone is selling better quality products at a cheaper price. I buy from those who want to sell, and sell to those
who want to buy. Everyone wins!"
New
"Of course. No one else does it better. They have the manpower, and the resources. It's quite a company."
Magical Add-ons, Gadgets, and Intriguing Charms sells only the best quality, and often unique, house add-ons.
From bottomless trash barrels and teleport tiles to night sight earrings and mood rings.
Some of their products have become a home construction standard. "I'd be terrified to compete with them. Buying
and selling. That's the way to go. No wandering dangerous wilds and slaying dangerous beasts, and no wondering
if someone is selling better quality products at a cheaper price. I buy from those who want to sell, and sell to
those who want to buy. Everyone wins!"
The sentence was too long, and I needed to fix the capitalization.
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Old
Movement in the corner of her eye reminds her of Stark's presence. She steps closer to her when he sees that
she's noticed him. "I hope you know more Tom's and less Gamblor's."
New
Movement in the corner of her eye reminds her of Stark's presence. "I hope you know more Tom's and less Gamblor's."
Typo in a completely useless sentence.
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Old
The shop quiets down, and the letter in her pocket grows heavy. She pulls it out and breaks the seal.
She can't get herself to read past the heading. It's in her own handwriting. The ink not yet dry from signing the
contract that day long ago, and already the debt was being dangled in her face. He was her first customer. She
can't help but sigh.
New
The shop quiets down, and her pocket grows heavy. She pulls it out the letter and breaks the seal. She
can't get herself to read past the heading. It's in her own handwriting. The ink still wet on her contract
with Lord Luna, and already the debt was being dangled in her face. He was her first customer. She can't help
but sigh.
I like the opening sentence cleaner like this. And that middle sentence was too long.
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