This is the biggest revision I've made so far. I was writing this too close how the game plays out, and it just
doesn't make sense in a story perspective. Lots of changes.\
Old
"Help!" a desperate Melfina screams, looking for anything recognizable through the storm's blinding fury. She
senses warmth behind her and finds herself looking upon Stark. All nightshade petals and leaves within several feet
of him flare up, creating a sphere of safety within.
New
"Help!" a desperate Melfina screams, looking for anything recognizable through the storm's blinding fury. Warmth
radiates from behind, and she turns around to find her gaze landing upon Stark. Light surrounds him as all the
petals and leaves flare up before coming close to touching him, creating a sphere of safety within.
This dream sequence needs a lot of powerful sentences, and starting directly with "warmth" makes the senteces a lot
more powerful than "she senses". And I was stuck thinking I needed to describe exactly how big the sphere was, but
that doesn't really matter.
Old
Stark reaches Melfina and his radiance protects her from the endless storm. "My light is both gentle and strong."
New
He reaches her and his radiance protects her from the endless storm. "My light is both gentle and
strong."
I like the simplicity of "he reaches her". It's such a classic image of a guy saving a girl, that it's better without
names.
Old
"I see what Lord of West Luna must have seen in you." Stark then looks past her, over her shoulder.
New
"I see what Lord of West Luna must have seen in you." Stark then raises his gaze over her shoulder.
That comma defintely needed to be removed for the flow of the sentence to be better. It's a simple motion that's
happening, so the sentence should be simple.
Old
Melfina turns to find the Lord of West Luna standing before her, engulfed in flames from his
nightmare towering behind.
New
Melfina turns to find the Lord of West Luna before her. He stands impervious to the flames engulfing him as his
nightmare towers behind, releasing its deadly breath.
Sentence was too long.
Old
The Lord of West Luna draws his bow and releases a steel tipped arrow. It penetrates into Melfina's heart. Stark
doesn't even blink an eye. Lord Luna approaches Melfina and yanks the arrow from her chest.
New
The Lord of West Luna draws his bow and fires. The iron tip penetrates into her heart. Stark
doesn't even blink an eye. Lord Luna steps forward and yanks the arrow out from her chest leaving a gaping
void.
I think it works without specifically saying "arrow" in the beginning. I was so concerned about that. But what else
do bows fire? And I needed to establish the large hole in her chest a bit sooner.
Old
"There it is," says Lord Luna as he stares at the golden tipped arrow. "But it's not enough." He plunges his arm
to into the hole left by the arrow. Reaching in past his elbow, sifting through her soul.
New
"There it is," says Lord Luna as he stares at a newly golden tipped arrow. "But it's not enough." He
plunges his arm into the void of her chest. His eyes lock onto hers while he sifts through her soul.
With the void established earlier, this paragraph was able to be cleaned up a lot. I just wish I could leave it as
"sifting" and not "sifts".
Old
Melfina's scream intensifies as Lord Luna's arm is withdrawn with the Tome of Lost Knowledge is in his grasp. "This
will have to do."
New
Melfina shrieks when he withdraws his arm and the Tome of Lost Knowledge is in his grasp. "This
will have to do."
Too long.
Old
Melfina wakes up with a start, heart racing. It takes her a few moments to realize that she's still in bed.
She lies there a few minutes before noticing her room is too bright.
New
Melfina wakes. Her hart is pounding. It takes a moment for her to realize she is still in bed. A few
moments more and she realizes the room is too bright.
Was trying to hard to combine too many things in a few sentences.
Old
She gets out of bed, mind racing to adjust to schedule for the day. She peeks under the bandage and finds the
wound healing nicely. After putting on a simple light blue dress, she heads downstairs.
New
She gets up, and her mind races to adjust her schedule to the lost time. She peeks under the bandage and
finds the wound healing nicely. After putting on a simple light blue dress, she heads downstairs.
Minor change, but seems better.
Old
Stark looks up from the book he was reading. "Good morning Merchant Vendor. How are you feeling?"
New
Sitting at one of the library's desks, Stark sets a book down and says, "Good morning Merchant Vendor.
How are you feeling?"
Not really a necessary change, but seems to work a little better.
Old
"Very well," says Stark as he puts the book he was reading back on the shelf and Melfina leads the way.
New
"Very well," says Stark as he puts the book back on the shelf and Melfina leads the way.
Pointless words. The readers already know he was reading a book.
Old
"It's not the weapons I really have a problem with, it's the food. What use does it have other than
poisoning an unwary bystander? Animals and other creatures almost never eat poisoned food that is just laying
out, only people do. I've seen innocents caught unaware. And there is no one in sight to punish. No way to find out
who left it there," says an angered Stark.
New
"It's not the weapons I really have the most problem with, it's the food. What use does it have other
than poisoning the innocent or assassination? At least a dagger can be a clean and quick kill after the poison
has slowed the victim down. Death by poison alone is a cruel fate. And with food, too many times the identity of
the poisoner is never even known. There is nothing honorable about poison," says and angered Stark.
Almost completely changed it. I was going for talking about in game situations, but it doens't really make all
that much sense in the story.
Old
Stepping onto the second floor, vendors stand shoulder to shoulder with matching long blond hair all dressed in robes
of various colors, indicating the category of furniture being sold. A stunning blond woman dressed in studded
leather armor and apron walks through the doorway at the back of the room.
New
Several vendors stand in different colored robes, indicating which area of furniture they're to be selling.
A stunning blond woman dressed in studded leather armor and apron walks in from the back room.
I was again, just describing how the actual store looked in the game, but that's impractical from this story point
of view.
Old
A welcoming smile beams from Gwendalyne's face. "You say that as if your own work isn't Grandmaster
quality, Mel." Turning to Stark. "I'm glad my brother has decided to hire a guard. We've talked it over so many
times. Well, as Melfina said, this is the House of Furniture. We sell everything here. Tables, chairs, chests,
cabinets, dartboards… pretty much anything you could possibly think of… in various woods sold as single pieces or
bulk orders, many already pre-dyed to the most frequently requested colors. Stone is available too. Our vendors
will even help you create custom colors with our furniture dying tubs free of charge. And of course special
orders can be left on our message board over there."
New
A welcoming smile beams from Gwendalyne's face. "You say that as if your own work isn't grandmaster
quality, Mel." Turning to Stark. "I'm glad my brother has decided to hire a guard. We've talked it over so many
times. Well, as Melfina said, this is the House of Furniture. We sell everything here. Tables, chairs, chests,
cabinets, dartboards… pretty much anything you could possibly think of. Made to order from the wood or stone of
your choice, or purchased from our pre-made selection. Single piece or bulk order, we can do it. And we have
vendors ready to assist in customizing your old furniture with our furniture dying tubs, free of charge. And
of course extra special orders can be left on our message board over there."
That middle sentence was too long, and the paragraph was also slightly describing the game too much. So I changed it
to have a more sales pitch feel to it.
Old
"It is, but it's worth it. Many people have plenty of money and time, so they often decide to completely redecorate
their house. Some of them even remodel the structure of their house along with adding the new furniture and
decorations. I have quite a few repeat customers. People love their homes and will pay large sums of gold to
improve them in subtle way that only they'll notice."
New
"It is, but it's worth it. Many people have plenty of money and time, so they often decide to completely redecorate
their house. Or do a complete remodeling. I have quite a few repeat customers. People love their homes and will pay large sums of gold to
improve them in subtle way that only they'll notice."
Same as above. Too long, and too game-like. And the game-like part was written to technically.
Old
"Yes my Lady." Stark bows.
New
"Yes, my Lady." Stark bows.
Comma.
Old
"Of course Gwen, I know exactly what to bring." What am I gonna bring? She knows I don't cook! The anger in
her head is only surface deep however. Melfina always enjoys the gossip the two of them share with each other, as
long as she has the time for it.
New
"Of course Gwen, I know exactly what to bring." What am I gonna bring? She knows I don't cook! The anger
is only surface deep however. The dinners are always fun, as long as she has the time for it.
Too long, too boring, and unnecessary.
Old
"I'd like to know more if you don't mind. Such as what is that building," says Stark as he points to the building
in front of them. The House of Furniture, The Magic Arts & Crafts, The House of Poison, and the house with plaster
walls could make a city square with a crystal spring in the center if Lord Luna ever fulfills his vision. "I need to
learn the surrounding area as well, if I'm to properly do my job."
New
"I'd like to know more if you don't mind. Such as what is that building," says Stark as he points to the building
in front of them. The House of Furniture, The Magic Arts & Crafts, The House of Poison, and the house with plaster
walls could make a city square, with a crystal spring in the center, if Lord Luna ever fulfills his vision. "I need
to learn the surrounding area as well, if I'm to properly do my job."
Commas
Old
They walk around the corner and up some wooden steps. Vines grow along the sides of the plaster walls.
Melfina doesn't bother knocking. She's always welcome here.
New
They walk around the corner and up some wooden steps. Vines creep up the walls. Melfina
doesn't bother knocking. She's always welcome here.
Repetitous, since it was already said in the previous paragraph.
Old
The door opens up to rows of long counter tops filling the floor, with items precisely arranged on top of each, and
protected by a glass casing. Weapons, armor, a skull, a crystal ball, a miniature ship, and various other items fill
the glass, with a short description of each item placed in front of each.
New
Long counters fill the floor making neat aisles. All sorts of items lie on top with a small plaque by each. Some are
weaspons, some of it armor. A skull over here, a crystal ball over there, and a minature ship in the back. Each item
has a small plaque next to it, and is protected by a glass case.
A very boring paragraph. It starts off with me trying to connect the dots to much. I didn't need to mention they go
through the door since I already said that Melfina doesn't bother knocking. Then I fall victim to the run-on sentence
monster. A much better version now.
Old
"Melfina, always a pleasure to see you. And who is this that you've brought with you?" says the red
haired man, with just a touch a grey to it.
New
"Lass, always a pleasure to see you. And who is this that you've brought with you?" says the red haired
man, with just a touch a grey to it.
I don't know I made the right choice in Draven using "lass" and "lad", but if he's doing it, he should do it.
Old
Draven laughs. "Interesting. A Guard Captain. Is this another attempt to get me to join West Luna? It might
work. Finally something to offer that benefits me. Guards, like real cities have, and commanded by a
paladin no less."
New
Draven laughs. "Interesting. A Guard Captain. Is this another attempt to get me to join West Luna? It might
work. Finally something worth offering. Guards, like real cities have, and commanded by a paladin no
less."